Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
