Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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