the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
