whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
