I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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