just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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