we're blogging at a bar
I am spending my child support on dildos
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
