Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
