Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
