so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
