If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
