I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
