so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
