a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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