Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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