i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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