He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
