My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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