i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Farmville is her only friend.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
