u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
