Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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