everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How does one acquire holy water?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
