if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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