You can't special order awesome
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
