Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
