the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
