we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just gargled with NyQuil
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
