Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
