I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
