I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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