I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
