My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
