I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
