we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
