He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
