We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
