You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
