She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
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Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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