Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
