Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
