Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
