dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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