it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
