This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
