I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
