I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
pop tarts are not kleenex
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
