when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
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He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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