I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize