So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.