A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"