Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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