I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
