If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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