I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
