its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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