Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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