Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
