Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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