i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
